Sunday 20 February 2011
Old friends
Don't you hate it when ur friend tells you that they will be at your side forever and then when you need them, I mean really need them they are just not there. Well that is exactley how i'm feeling right now I had a friend not just a friend but a best friend who I would do anything for I would visit her every week and do things so that she wasn't alone, and then she moved into that hostel and from that moment on are friendship faded away. I tried visiting her but my emotions always got the better of me or I felt left out in her world and that I was just invading it. I can't say I haven't tried cos I really have alot and I just had it thrown back in my face over and over again forgot about. In the moment she needed me when she found out her daughter needed life long care I was there, when she found out her partner cheated I was on the end of the phone. I was there when she asked for my help, but now that I need my friend to be by my side she is not there, I needed a shoulder to cry on as I felt my world fall apart and all I got was broken promises from her and I'll call, but a call never came. I did get to see her once when she bumped into my sister and at that point I got to see her and my beautiful god daughter, but only cause she spotted my sister if it had not been for that moment I would not of seen her yet.... I really don't know what to feel anymore, I can't keep being angry and upset that just would not work, I don't know now whether to confront for or to just leave it .... but I know as soon as she is no longer in the hostel she will call on good old dependable to be there for her.... I don't know if I can do that again.
Thursday 17 February 2011
A bad day
Today has been a bad day, with some positive outcomes.
Why a bad day, I managed to cry at my lecturer, I don't think people realise how much this condition traps you and confines you. I often feel like I only have my brain for company these days as it is the only thing that I have to keep me sane or drives me insane at the same time I fell like I'm lost and controlled by everyone else and that no one realises that I'm a person with her own thoughts and feelings. I just want go be heard and trusted with my own body.
After crying at my lecturer we had a chat and thankfully she is the most wonderful amazing lady who suffered with her mobility so understands how I'm feeling, so she has helped by finding me somewhere to put my wheelchair and sorted out counselling so I have someone to talk to so that I don't feel alone.
I'm hating feeling trapped by my own body, I wanna go out and drink and dance and have fun like every other student not trapped an confined by the conditions that my parents make
Why a bad day, I managed to cry at my lecturer, I don't think people realise how much this condition traps you and confines you. I often feel like I only have my brain for company these days as it is the only thing that I have to keep me sane or drives me insane at the same time I fell like I'm lost and controlled by everyone else and that no one realises that I'm a person with her own thoughts and feelings. I just want go be heard and trusted with my own body.
After crying at my lecturer we had a chat and thankfully she is the most wonderful amazing lady who suffered with her mobility so understands how I'm feeling, so she has helped by finding me somewhere to put my wheelchair and sorted out counselling so I have someone to talk to so that I don't feel alone.
I'm hating feeling trapped by my own body, I wanna go out and drink and dance and have fun like every other student not trapped an confined by the conditions that my parents make
Tuesday 15 February 2011
Valentines day
So I'm sat on uni waiting for class on my own again.... I dont whether to be glad for the peace and quite or not.
But one things I do know is that rig now I'm counting down the time till I get to spend time with my BF. Who is full of surprises, like yesterday valentines day there was no way in hell that we could of seen each other :(, due to our timetables of uni and work. But when I got in from a long day at uni was the most amazing bunch of flowers I have ever seen(they were my very first bunch of flowers given to me ever).
But even though I got those amazing flowers as usual with uni my day was filled with lots of problems and heartache mainly having to get places on my own which should sound each but with uneven ground and shocking ramps what would take 5mins to walk taking me 30mins in my wheelchair ... I just really wanna be able to walk with two feet again and just get places like a normal person.... I just wanna be normal and not confined to the damn chair :(
But one things I do know is that rig now I'm counting down the time till I get to spend time with my BF. Who is full of surprises, like yesterday valentines day there was no way in hell that we could of seen each other :(, due to our timetables of uni and work. But when I got in from a long day at uni was the most amazing bunch of flowers I have ever seen(they were my very first bunch of flowers given to me ever).
But even though I got those amazing flowers as usual with uni my day was filled with lots of problems and heartache mainly having to get places on my own which should sound each but with uneven ground and shocking ramps what would take 5mins to walk taking me 30mins in my wheelchair ... I just really wanna be able to walk with two feet again and just get places like a normal person.... I just wanna be normal and not confined to the damn chair :(
Sunday 13 February 2011
Starting at the very begining
Alot of people might come to think this is alot of babble that I'm putting out there for anyone to see. But there is a purpose, or a good suggestion from a dear friend (df) and that was to start writing down how I felt so that I could get things out of my head.
So I should really start at the very beginning, 2days before Christmas I had an accident putting me in hospital for 2nights and ruining Christmas 2010, I had taken my knee completely out of the socket and putting me in a full length cast that I wasn't allowed to walk on, which doesn't sound to bad having to be waited on and getting people to run around for me, but when you can't get to the toilet by yourself or having to watch your family and BF go through pain to help you stand up because you can't do it yourself. That's when you really get sad or your can't leave the house with being accompanied everywhere you go or can't share a bed with the man you love. This has got me down so much I just want to be able to escape and have my life back with long walk along the beach alone again and to be able to go to work was out of the questio
Since then I had another full length cast for 4weeks but I learnt so much walking up and down stairs and how to get myself around in a wheelchair and learning to dress myself again, which as been hard and taken a lot of will power with help from my family and friends but this has not come without of other problems most mentally challenging but those I'll talk about another time.
7 weeks on things are better but I still have to be careful and rely on a wheelchair, but I am now in a brace which allows me to bend my knee but I still have very limited mobility and rely heavily on the wheelchair.
But that is all for now I'll post again tomorrow
So I should really start at the very beginning, 2days before Christmas I had an accident putting me in hospital for 2nights and ruining Christmas 2010, I had taken my knee completely out of the socket and putting me in a full length cast that I wasn't allowed to walk on, which doesn't sound to bad having to be waited on and getting people to run around for me, but when you can't get to the toilet by yourself or having to watch your family and BF go through pain to help you stand up because you can't do it yourself. That's when you really get sad or your can't leave the house with being accompanied everywhere you go or can't share a bed with the man you love. This has got me down so much I just want to be able to escape and have my life back with long walk along the beach alone again and to be able to go to work was out of the questio
Since then I had another full length cast for 4weeks but I learnt so much walking up and down stairs and how to get myself around in a wheelchair and learning to dress myself again, which as been hard and taken a lot of will power with help from my family and friends but this has not come without of other problems most mentally challenging but those I'll talk about another time.
7 weeks on things are better but I still have to be careful and rely on a wheelchair, but I am now in a brace which allows me to bend my knee but I still have very limited mobility and rely heavily on the wheelchair.
But that is all for now I'll post again tomorrow
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)