Omg I'm an awful blogger

I realised today I'm an awful blogger and that this should be my best place just to lay everything on the lines.

But I haven't used it well from this point on I will.
Where to start it been two months and so much has happened.
My and the BF have broken up but were just really good friends.
I'm a few days away from the next hospital visit
and yet again all hell has broken lose in the house.

For me the hardest to deal with is just wanting to be loved From somebody, anybody.
I want a hug and to be held.... Most of all I want my most amazing BF back, 'they say you don't know what you have till you lose it' well that is so true, I had the most amazing thing in the world and I lost him, my man, my friend, my rock.... And I would do anything to have him back. Every moment with him is like the most amazing moment, filled with all the pain of knowing I can't hold his hand and give him a kiss, or truly express to him just how much I love him.
Harder still is I feel like a burden to my family as they have to know deal with me with no real rest bite. I just wanna escape my own head as it is my worst enemy, it makes me feel so
Knelt and scared and frightened.
I'm scared that I'm gonna lose him forever to someone else, and he is gonna forget about me, he is my first true love and I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Watch him run around after our children and curl up underneath the stars forever. I know I'm sad and holding on but right now I feel like I have no other way to hold onto reality.

Right that's enough for today... I'll be back later or I will try my hardest

Something New

Sometimes when things get hard and you get consumed by the 'Knee Monster'  when the only thing that goes on in you head, it is that everything about the knee gets you down thinking physically of the things you can't do anymore and how it effects the future you had planned for yourself. How it makes people change around you.

But I'm Learning,  I say learning because I still have bad days when I'm completly alone that i step backwards.

But I'm Learning that everyday I can do something new or something better than the time before,  is something to look at a celebrate the little sucesses and say to myself next time I can do better... so that I can encourage myself.


So today my new thing is that I walked up the stairs one foot to one stair, like a normal person =D

Another day

So its another day.
Well except I had counselling and yet again my afternoon with my BF is ruined.
After the emotional strain on how things make me feel, all I wanted was a nice peaceful evening and dinner with the BF.
But as I was walking to the BF's(yup I was walking with the assistance of my wheelchair) as were walking he gets a phone call from his mate who is coming down now. So I get no time to talk or cuddle instead I have to rain it in a pretend that everything is fine.
It's not like I want to feel loved and wanted, to be close to him instead I'm ignored left to one side and feeling unwanted and unloved again.
I just hate feeling like I wanna cry again, why can't things be simple and easy .

Or even to be asked instead of assuming.
Right now I just want to go home :'(

Learning

I've spent the last week learning, How to walk, how to pace myself and how not to let other people's small minded people make me feel any less of a person.

Great things have happened since my last post... major being stayed over the first night with the BF, was a tad scary but was so nice not having to watch the time.
i also walked to pick the BF up from work another first since my accident by useing my wheelchair to carry everything and me pushing it for stability :D
I know have the date for my first counselling meeting... eeek
I have also signed up to a forum kneeguru to see if I can find much about how other's with my type of injury cope and how they have got on with there life since there accident... however it's a not looking posotive, mainly because not many people have pcl, the majority of people have ACL injuries, which means this is going to be harder than I thought :S
But I'm learning to cope and getting on day by day
2 weeks till the next hospital vist just hope I've been doing well :D

Old friends

Don't you hate it when ur friend tells you that they will be at your side forever and then when you need them, I mean really need them they are just not there. Well that is exactley how i'm feeling right now I had a friend not just a friend but a best friend who I would do anything for I would visit her every week and do things so that she wasn't alone, and then she moved into that hostel and from that moment on are friendship faded away. I tried visiting her but my emotions always got the better of me or I felt left out in her world and that I was just invading it. I can't say I haven't tried cos I really have alot and I just had it thrown back in my face over and over again forgot about. In the moment she needed me when she found out her daughter needed life long care I was there, when she found out her partner cheated I was on the end of the phone. I was there when she asked for my help, but now that I need my friend to be by my side she is not there, I needed a shoulder to cry on as I felt my world fall apart and all I got was broken promises from her and I'll call, but a call never came. I did get to see her once when she bumped into my sister and at that point I got to see her and my beautiful god daughter, but only cause she spotted my sister if it had not been for that moment I would not of seen her yet.... I really don't know what to feel anymore, I can't keep being angry and upset that just would not work, I don't know now whether to confront for or to just leave it .... but I know as soon as she is no longer in the hostel she will call on good old dependable to be there for her.... I don't know if I can do that again.

A bad day

Today has been a bad day, with some positive outcomes.

Why a bad day, I managed to cry at my lecturer, I don't think people realise how much this condition traps you and confines you. I often feel like I only have my brain for company these days as it is the only thing that I have to keep me sane or drives me insane at the same time I fell like I'm lost and controlled by everyone else and that no one realises that I'm a person with her own thoughts and feelings. I just want go be heard and trusted with my own body.
After crying at my lecturer we had a chat and thankfully she is the most wonderful amazing lady who suffered with her mobility so understands how I'm feeling, so she has helped by finding me somewhere to put my wheelchair and sorted out counselling so I have someone to talk to so that I don't feel alone.

I'm hating feeling trapped by my own body, I wanna go out and drink and dance and have fun like every other student not trapped an confined by the conditions that my parents make

Valentines day

So I'm sat on uni waiting for class on my own again.... I dont whether to be glad for the peace and quite or not.
But one things I do know is that rig now I'm counting down the time till I get to spend time with my BF. Who is full of surprises, like yesterday valentines day there was no way in hell that we could of seen each other :(, due to our timetables of uni and work. But when I got in from a long day at uni was the most amazing bunch of flowers I have ever seen(they were my very first bunch of flowers given to me ever).

But even though I got those amazing flowers as usual with uni my day was filled with lots of problems and heartache mainly having to get places on my own which should sound each but with uneven ground and shocking ramps what would take 5mins to walk taking me 30mins in my wheelchair ... I just really wanna be able to walk with two feet again and just get places like a normal person.... I just wanna be normal and not confined to the damn chair :(